Funny Quotes

"A day without sunshine is like, night."

"42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"Honk your horn if you like peace and quiet!"

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week."

"What's the speed of Dark?"

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty."

"Politicians are one of the world's greatest liars."

"I like children. Properly cooked."

"When I grow up, I want to be the samrtest preson in the wrold."

"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask them to dribble a football."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

"Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad."

"Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years."

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."

"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."

"I've used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead."

Last Modified: 11/20/08.